What If?
by Rae F. Scott
Summary: OBIDALA. At the end of ROTS, Obi-Wan thinks about how things could be different... Suck at summaries. I'll upload a trailer on youtube soon.
1. Reflecting

_**WHAT IF**_

A/N: So, this is my first Obidala fic in YEARS. For whatever reason, I felt ridiculously inspired today and started writing this. Gotta give credit to the Obidala Fan Forum. This whole 5th Anniversary thing did something to me. So many talented people. And all are crazy about Obidala... THANK YOU GUYS!

This thing will most likely be written in the "you"-perspective. And mostly from Obi-Wan's You-POV. I don't know, I like writing in the you-perspective. But this whole perspective thingy might change during the chappis. I don't know yet. Kinda wrote this very spontaneously. And yes, I know about their age difference in TPM and I DON'T CARE. In my mind, she's a little older than 14. Period.

Title: What If?

Genre: Romance, OBIDALA

Rating: I'd say K+.

Setting: Generally follows the Prequel trilogy. First chappi starts at the end of ROTS. Will be AU later because I'm going to change EVERYTHING.

Summary: Anakin is Vader. Padmé dies. And Obi-Wan remembers and reflects on some decisions he made or did not make... AH, I suck at summaries. I will upload the trailer on youtube tomorrow or so...

* * *

There is no death. There is the Force. That is what you have been taught. But now, standing in front of the ruins that used to be your life, surrounded by more death and damage than a soul should see, you feel lost. You don't know what to believe anymore. Within hours, everything that you have fought for, everything you have lived for, ceased to exist.

The feeling in your gut is similar to the one you had when your master died so many years ago. It was like a part of you had died. After all, he had been like a father to you. And all he had begged of you was to train that little, innocent boy, so he might become a wise, powerful Jedi, the Chosen One, meant to bring balance to the Force. And now you feel like you are nothing but a disappointment to your master. A failure. The fire. You still recall the fire. And it still burns.

All of a sudden, your whole life seems to be worth nothing. There are so many things you regret. Qui-Gon's death just being one thing you would love to undo. And Anakin. Yoda had been right about him all the way. And deep down you had known as well. Of course, back then, you wanted to honor Qui-Gon and keep your promise, even though you knew it was wrong. You are sure now that things would have been better if he had just survived.

And then there is her. Beautiful angel. Kind, strong but sad Padmé. Her life will never be the same as well, you think when gently touching her face while she is sleeping. You remember her being the strong, determined woman who ruled an entire planet. A woman loved by her people. A woman loved by you.

"For reasons we can't explain, we are losing her." the medical droid said. Disbelievingly, you stare at the droid, mouth open, choking silently.

"She's dying?" You look through the glass walls and see her lying there, not moving, and suddenly, you realize that tomorrow, she will not be here anymore.

You do not exactly remember when you fell in love with her. More precisely, you cannot remember a life without being in love with her. It is as if you had no life before her. Ever since you talked to each other briefly on the ship when she was cleaning R2-D2, she had you. All of you.

* * *

"You need help?" you asked her when entering the room. You have to smile thinking of that particular moment. You thought she was a handmaiden at that point. But you sensed that she was special right away. She was cleaning the droid carefully, she even talked to it as if it was a person. You thought it was a silly thing to do and yet it showed that she treated all beings equally, droid or human or animal.

"No, thank you, Master Jedi." she replied and you had to grin and shake your head.

"No, Milady, I'm not a Jedi Master. Not yet. I am Master Qui-Gon's padawan apprentice. My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi."

"I'm Padmé." she returned and gave you the most adorable smile. You would never forget that smile, although through the years, she seemed to have lost it somewhere. "And I guess we own our lives to you and your Master."

"For now, it may seem so. But, Milady, you need to realize that this battle is not won yet. Not by far. Many will die. And I'm not sure the Queen knows what she is doing. After all, she is still very young." you said. For a moment, the young handmaiden stopped cleaning the droid, turned to face you and gave you the angriest look you had ever seen on a young girl's face.

"Is that so, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Well, I can assure you, the Queen is very capable of handling the situation just fine. She may be young but she is not stupid and most of all would she never do anything to endanger her people." she snapped at you. Before you could finish to think that it was impressive and brave how she stood up for her Queen, you sensed that she wasn't. She stood up for herself. And that was the moment when you realized that she was not a handmaiden.

"Oh Force, it's you!" you whispered, gazing at her in amazement.

"Who? I'm not sure I know what you're talking about." she tried to distract you. But her feelings had long betrayed her.

"You are the Queen!" you said triumphantly, just to bow down before her and apologize for your earlier statement.

"Stop that, Obi-Wan, please! You are not supposed to know this! No one is supposed to know." she interrupted you nervously by covering your mouth with your hands, pushing you into a corner. "I know in how much danger my people are. And I can't help them when I'm dead. No one will be after me as long as they think that I'm nothing more but a handmaiden. You have to promise me not to tell anyone. Not even your Master."

"But.."

"No. No one must know. Promise!" she insisted.

You gave her your word. You didn't tell anyone. Arguing with her was pointless. Because she had you after smiling at you like that.

* * *

"It's a boy." you whisper to her, showing her the little baby you are holding safely in your amrs, hoping that she would gain new strength through looking at her son.

"Luke." is all she manages to moan in pain before she closes her eyes again. She looks tired. Sweat dripping off her pale, lifeless face, she breathes heavily between the cries. She screams. It is not just the pain, you can tell. Her heart is broken. She just lost everything. Her world, her husband and father of her children, her freedom. Like you, she has nowhere to go.

"A girl." you say, faking a smile, trying to keep her here. She slightly smiles back and it is as if there is almost a trace of the smile that you remember she gave you such a long time ago. Almost a trace. You look at the tiny human in your arms and find yourself imagining how beautiful she would once be. Like her mother.

"Leia." Padmé breathes. And then, you can feel her fading away. As if giving new life took hers. One life for two others. A fair trade so it appears. Not fair to you though. I never got to tell her, you think while still holding Leia in your arms.

Two lives, so young at yet so sad already.

* * *

Yoda had told you not to go to Naboo for Padmé's funeral. You went anyway. But you are hiding in the shadows of the distance. Nobody notices you and you have the feeling that no one would notice you in a long time from now on.

And while they carry her through the center of Theed in her coffin, you can't help but imagine how things would have turned out if you had told her. Would that have changed anything? Would she be alive now? And for the first time ever, you imagine the touch of her lips on yours. Breathing in her sweet scent while lying next to her peacefully sleeping body. How life would have been different if you had been in Anakin's place.

You quickly push the thought aside. No need to build up castles in the sky. Not now. Not today.

No one had ever known about your feelings for her. For some reason, you had always managed to hide them, bury them somewhere in the depths of your soul.

When you found out about her and Anakin shortly after their secret wedding on Naboo, you did not feel jealous or angry. Disappointed,yes, because she did not tell you. Disappointed because your padawan broke the Jedi Code. But you did not hate them.

The mere thought of her was enough for you.

You had always known that you could never be with her.

But believing that she was happy was enough for you.

He got to feel her, touch her, hold her.

But her loyal friendship was enough for you.

He was her husband.

But she trusted you. That was more than enough for you. And that was more than you could ever have asked for.

Was it? But then, there is no point in wondering. Not anymore. Not today. Never again.


	2. Ghosts

_**Ghosts**_

"The woman I loved... is dead." you whisper as you watch the suns set over Tatooine. There. The first time you actually said it. Months after her funeral. 178 days after she had died. And it hurts even more than you thought it would. Accepting her death and everything that comes with it means that she is really gone. She will not come back. Neither will Anakin nor Qui-Gon. Or any of those who lost their lives in the battlefield. Everytime you lost someone, it was like something of you was torn out of you, leaving a black space of nothing in your heart. And this time, it feels like now, after all that happened, there is nothing left to be torn out. You have given all you've had.

You enter the small cabin that has served as your home since the destruction of the Jedi Order, Anakin's fall and the rise of the Empire, basically since your whole existence has become oblivious. It is empty and cold. There are no decorations, no pictures, no colors on the walls. They are just walls and a roof, surrounding the little furniture you possess.

Of course you are used to having not much. Possession is forbidden for a Jedi. And your quarters at the temple were spartan as well. But then again, the Jedi were your family. You had _never been _alone. It was not so much about possessing things, but more about being part of something. Knowing that there would always be someone to look after you. Here, in this cabin, you _are _all alone. And you somehow cannot deny that this room looks very much like your soul right now. Cold and empty.

* * *

Sleeping is hard. Like so many nights before, you have trouble falling asleep tonight and when you finally do, you keep tossing and turning in your bed, haunted by the same nightmare, the last fight with Anakin and his last words to you. _I hate you_. You look at him once more and you know that he really means it. Even when he is lying in the ashes of Mustafar, crippled and defeated, his eyes are filled with rage and fury, all directed towards you. Tonight and the night before and the night before that.

The scene slowly fades to black. You are with Padmé on Polis Massa. And you helplessly watch her die all over again.

Every night in your nightmares, you try to save her. And every time, you fail miserably.

You would eventually wake up, sweating, breathing heavily. Usually, you would walk into the small kitchen and get some water, meditate for a while to calm yourself down and go back to bed, just to relive the nightmare all over again. But tonight, something is different. You feel surprisingly calm when you get out of your bed. You are not even shaking, your breath is slower and more regular that you would have expected and you feel very light for a strange reason that you can't quite explain. As usual, you enter the kitchen, grab a mug from the wooden shelf above the sink and fill it with cold water. Strangely, you sense a strong force signature in the room but you cannot figure out whom it belongs to.

"We are tremendously worried about you, Master Kenobi." a warm, gentle voice speaks from behind you. Startled, you turn around to face the voice that shook you out of your thoughts so abruptly. In the process, the mug filled with water slips from your hands and crashes to the floor, breaking into pieces.

A little girl faces you now. Not much older than nine years, you think. A bright light surrounds her, shimmering in a mixture of the most beautiful colors. She smiles warmly and walks right over to you, pulling you into a friendly hug. You have not the slightest idea of what is going on. You can't really feel her touching you. It is rather her aura that surrounds you and covers you in warmth and light. You remember the light and the warmth. You used to know it all to well.

"Who are you?" you ask her anyway, pulling away from her, going down on your knees so you can look into her eyes.

"We have many faces. Yet we are all one." she replies, giggling, swirling around. And all of a sudden, she turns into a young woman, presumably about seventeen or eighteen years old. Someone you once knew. A long lost friend.

"Siri?" you murmur in disbelief, gazing at her, shaking your head several times as if it would make these hallucinations or whatever they were, go away. But she is still there.

"We are here to help you, to make you see that you are not alone. One man can make a difference." she says, softly touching your face. You still do not understand.

"We are here. Within you." she continues, once more changing her appearance, now looking like Master Ki-Adi Mundi. All of this is majorly confusing you. Faces of your past keep appearing to you. People you once held dear. Loyal Jedi companions. Friends. And it burns. It just won't stop.

"What is happening here? Are you playing with my memory? Is this a way to torture me? For I failed him?" you ask but he just returns with a slight smile, quickly morphing into what seems to be Aayla Secura.

"We are the Force." she speaks. "We heard your cry for help."

"I did not cry for help. I'm just trying to find peace." you reply, your voice crackling. You know that in this life, finding peace would be an impossible mission to accomplish.

"You lost us quite a while ago. You forgot about us." the apparition states, her voice sounding sad and regretful. Forgot. How could you forget. You kind of wish you could.

"I will never forget about any of you. You were killed. All of you. Some of you by him. Or because of him. He was my padawan. I was responsible for him. In a way, that makes me responsible for all of your deaths." you say, lowering your head. You feel ashamed and guilty. Because you really believe yourself. After all, you can be very convincing.

"We are not dead. There is no death. We are forever." she says smiling before morphing into Jocasta Nu.

"The loss of your padawan... Terrible." she carries on, looking at you compassionately. You close your eyes for a moment. It is a reflex that you want to hide the pain of that particular memory from the apparition in front of you. But then again, if this was the Force itself, what is the point in hiding?

"Don't blame yourself, Obi-Wan." an all too familiar voice causes you to open your eyes again, staring at your late Master. How many times have you spoken to him in despair? Whenever you did not know what to do about Anakin. When you realized that you could not keep your promise to Qui-Gon.

"Master... I..."

"We know how your feel." he assures you, smiling genuinely.

"I highly doubt it, Master. It's all gone. The Jedi. The Republic. The Peace. And her. She is dead. Do you know what that means to me?" you shout, finally giving in to emotion, breaking down in tears. Let it all out. You don't care. Not anymore.

"I have never asked for anything, for I knew I could not have her. Knowing that she was alive and well was enough for me. I have never begged for her to love me in return. I was selfless. I watched in silence when she married my apprentice, giving him what I secretly desired. As long as she was happy. And now, she's gone and I want her to come back so desperately. Just to see her. To know that she is well. I want that more than anything else. Isn't that selfish, Master? Because if I had to choose between her and everything else, it would be her. Always. That is how I feel. And I know I shouldn't. Feel for her like this."

"Would you give up your life to change things?" he wants to know. What a question! Of course you would. Changing things. Meaning that if you die, she gets to live. A fair trade.

"So you wish to leave this place in order to save her? Her and everyone else."

"Yes." Nothing could be worse than this. You wish for the pain to go away, for the emptiness and the cold that was this room. Escape from reality, become one with the Force. Leave behind the empty space beneath your chest.

"Wish granted." the apparition whispers into your ear with the unique, sweet voice of Padmé.

There is no time to think about this. You want to call out her name because you think that you will never be as close to her or something that would look, sound and feel like her ever again. But the word won't come out, it is stuck in your throat and all of a sudden, you feel dizzy and everything around you starts to swirl. You sink to your knees, give in to the sickness that overcomes you right in that moment. Your vision is blurry. One last look at the ceiling, one more breath. Then you pass out.


	3. The Meaning of Forever

**_The Meaning of Forever_**

_So, that is what dying feels like_, you think. You have expected it to be more peaceful. Somewhat like floating of into infinity. Feeling light like a feather. But it is nothing like that at all.

Pictures flashing, familiar faces, long forgotten feelings, different places rush through your head. And then there is that noise. It sounds like a thousand voices, talking, shouting, singing. You think that you recognize some of those voices but all in all, it is just a never ending babel, a confusion of voices, filling your mind, that will probably cause your head to explode any second now.

Your body goes through all physical and emotional states of being. Heat. Cold. Shaking. Trembling. Sweating. Burning. Laughing. Crying. Whispering. Screaming. You feel like you cannot breathe but you do not suffocate either. All of your emotions, every little thing you have ever felt in your life suddenly comes crashing down on you. It hurts. It makes you happy. Death seems to be a rather confusing experience. And just as you finish thinking about how you can have so many thoughts about death while actually dying, the voices get louder, the flashing memories rush past you faster and faster and it is like you are flying or floating through them.

Silence.

For what feels like hours you see nothing, hear nothing, you just feel dizzy and sick from the ride.

"Obi-Wan?" a voice seems to wake you from an extremely weird dream. You shake your head, not really knowing where you are, and open your eyes.

"Obi-Wan, are you alright?" the voice asked again. The place around you starts to materialize somehow, blurry suddenly have forms. A thousand flowery scents confuse your mind again and it all feels familiar.

"Obi-Wan, what is it?" the voice once more inquires. You think that you know the voice but it is all loomy and so isthe person it belongs to.

You are hiding on a balcony that is decorated with numerous kinds of flowers. The sky above is of a clear blue and the air you breathe is fresh. Nothing like Tatooine. You conclude that you are not on Tatooine anymore.

"Obi-Wan, on the count of three!" the voice now orders. And all of a sudden, the blurriness is gone and no one else than Master Qui-Gon looks you straight into the eyes.

You have no time to think because you are already jumping off the balcony. You kick two battle droids into oblivion and instinctively activate your lightsaber. You fight numerous droids, push them away through the Force, behead them with the light saber and for a millisecond, you do not even question the situation as it all comes to you naturally.

When the worst is over, you breathe heavily in and out, remembering that you still do not know what happened. All of this is just oddly familiar.

And the she walks around the corner and you recall the exact same situation from more than 13 years ago. You are on Naboo and you have come to save the Queen, alongside your Master. Only that the young woman wearing the heavy attire is not the Queen. No, the actual Queen is standing to her left in a simple orange handmaiden costume. A handmaiden's uniform is not made to flatter the person who wears it. It shall hide a person's identity, make a person rather invisible. And they all look the same except for her. To you, she is the most remarkable person of all. You have no eyes for the decoy in her pompous dress. You only have eyes for her. She breathes, walks and talks. She is alive. And she is young. And after touching your face - which is beardless - and running your hand over your short hair and your padawan braid, you find out, that you are young again, too.

You wonder what could have happened. You thought giving your life to change things meant to die. Ceasing to exist. But you are very alive. _It must be a dream _you think. Dreaming of better times, dreaming that you could change everything, dreaming of her - saving her. Like you have tried in every dream since she has passed.

"No dream, Obi-Wan." you hear many voices combined in one whisper. "We are here. We are forever. We are the wind and the rain and the sand and the sun. We are time and space. Forever is not only in the future."

_But I thought I'd give my life for theirs... _you think.

"Your life in the future we took, Obi-Wan, not your life in the past. Your wish was granted. Be mindful of the future now. But always keep in mind that it is moving, shifting into different directions constantly. Every single breath of yours changes it. And always remember: One man can make a difference. You are one man. And we are with you." the voice replies gently before disappearing into the wind.

"Obi-Wan, look out!" Qui-Gon shakes you out of your thoughts. Back to reality. Droid, pointing its gun at you. You jump again, kick it out of your way and quickly run to the Queen's ship, ready to escape into space.


	4. Trust Me

Yeah, I know I have not updated this in a while. I had some kind of a writer's block going on and was distracted by lots of stuff that's been going on. But today I was like, I really should continue this story. I'll try to update more regularly from now on.

Trust Me

You are standing before of the "Queen" and three of her handmaidens alongside Master Qui-Gon, Captain Panaka and the little blue droid. And while everyone else looks at the young woman in her pompous gown, you are distracted by the girl standing right next to her. You are still kind of freaked, yet amazed to see her so young and most of all alive. A true miracle. Hence you can't take your eyes off of her.

"An extremely well put together droid," Captain Panaka speaks to the Queen decoy, "without a doubt it saved the ship, as well as our lives."

"It is to be commended. What is its number?" The fake Queen returns.

"R2-D2... Your, uh, highness." You say without even thinking about it. Of course you know it is R2 but as soon as you said it, you also remember that at this point you don't know, or rather you are not supposed to know this.

"How do you know?" Master Qui-Gon gives you a questioning look.

"Uhm...," and then you remember, walk over to the droid, scarpe some dirt off of its side and reveal the number to the others, "I caught a glimpse at it earlier." You tried to explain. Everyone else seems to be satisfied with your explanation. Only Master Qui-Gon does not seem to be completely convinced but he lets it go for now.

_I might have some further explaining to do later... _You think to yourself.

"Thank you R2-D2. You have proven to be very loyal... Padmé?" The Queen decoy calls for her. And without hesitation, she bows before her Queen.

"Clean this droid up the best you can. It deserves our gratitude." She orders her. You have always wondered why the decoy picked Padmé of all people to do the cleaning. Was she trying to be funny? Was it so no one would suspect Padmé to be the real Queen? Probably. You have no clue.

"Continue!"

"Your highness, we are heading to a remote planet called Tatooine. It is a system far beyond the reach of the trade federation." Qui-Gon begins to lay out their plan to her. Yes, you would have to go to Tatooine again, you would meet Anakin again and you know where that will lead you someday in the future. You try to think of another plan, so you could actually avoid going to Tatooine ever. But there is no alternative. The ship needs fixing and you need to hide. And it probably would have been to easy to just not go there. You will have to find another way to change things.

"You need help?" You ask her when you enter the main area of the spacecraft, just like you did 13 years ago.

"No, thank you Master Jedi." She replies and just like back then, you grin and shake your head.

"No, Milady, I'm not a Jedi Master yet. I'm only Master Qui-Gon's padawan apprentice. My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi."

"I'm Padmé." She returns with the sweetest voice. And there it is again, that adorable smile that you had memorized like a picture in your head, keeping it there for so many years. "And I guess we own our lives to you and your Master then."

"For now it may seem so, Milady. But you need to see that this battle is not won yet. Not by far. Many will die." You warn her. Back then, you had known that there would be a lot of casualties. But there was no way that you could have know what was eventually going to happen. That this would be the beginning of a war that would not end. Now you know. And all of a sudden, you start to feel sick. Grief overcomes you and in front of your inner eye, you see the nightmare of a future that still lies ahead of you.

"Are you alright, Obi-Wan?" Padmé's voice shakes you out of your thoughts. You look at her in confusion, then answer with a slight nod.

"Yes, Milady. I am. I just... There are those visions that keep coming back. But... you should not worry about that, your highness." Again, something you are not supposed to know slips from your mouth. She looks clearly shocked but tries to hide it, laugh it off.

"I am just a handmaiden, calling me your highness is neither necessary, nor appropriate." She laughed. You give her a knowing look.

"You might be able to fool Captain Panaka, Jar Jar or even Master Qui-Gon. But I know you are not just a handmaiden, Milady."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, my Queen Amidala, that I know who you are and that the person currently posing as the Queen is your loyal handmaiden decoy." You reveal to her.

"But how did you...?" She does not even try to hide it anymore.

"I just know. But don't worry, Milady. I will not tell anyone, not even Master Qui-Gone. Your secret is safe with me." You promise her. You intend to keep that promise, just as you did before. You don't want anyone to act suspicious around her.

"Well, Obi-Wan, then you should stop calling me 'Milady' or 'your highness' or 'Queen' from now on I guess." She suggests.

"Of course, Mi... Padmé."

She smiles at you. Your hormones go nuts by just looking at her. You are the happiest person in the universe right now, because there she is and you get to be so close to her again. You have this unique opportunity to make a change. To save her. But at the same time, you still don't know how to do this. There must be something. One tiny move that will keep those nightmares from actually happening. Only you have not figured it out yet.

_Be mindful of the future now, Obi-Wan. It is constantly moving. Anything you say or do can change things. _The many voices of the Force keep echoing in your head. _Among all the people in her life, you have always been the one she has trusted with her life. _The voices continue. True. She has always trusted you. You had been her friend. Her confidant.

So many things happened and you know that everything you say or do differently than before might have an impact on the future. So you have to be careful. You move closer to her so your face is only inches apart from hers. You lean in and whisper into her left ear.

"One thing, Padmé. You know that you are in great danger. Trust nobody. Nobody but me. Not your decoy, not your handmaidens, not even Master Qui-Gon. Be cautious towards anyone you meet, no matter how nice or innocent they appear to be. And always stay close to me." The look you give her is almost begging. Begging her to listen to you, trust you.

"Hmm. It's weird..." She murmurs.

"What do you mean?" You ask her.

"I don't know, you just sound like... like you know something. Like you know what's to come. I mean, you knew that droids number even though you never even looked at it once. You knew I was the Queen, and now you warn me from people I have not even met yet."

She knows, you think. You have to tell her. But then again, she would not believe you.

_I was sent back in time by the Force and now I need to keep you and my Master and everyone else from dying and this war from happening. _

Yeah, she would either call you insane or she would freak.

"I will explain everything to you in time. But for now, you will have to trust me, Padmé. I beg you to trust me!" You reach out and gently put your hand on her cheek, well knowing that this may be inappropriate, as she is still the Queen and you are still a Jedi. But right now, you do not care. Your so close to her now, you probably will never be that close to her again. But you have to somehow convince her. All you care about is saving her.

She looks at you intensely, like she is trying to read your mind. Surprisingly, she does not seem to be scared or suspicious about anything. It is more like she is deciding that she wants to believe you, have blind faith in you. As if she knew that in another life, you were her friend and protector.

You want to tell her so bad. You want to tell her to stay away from Anakin, go away and hide somewhere, quit politics. But she has never been the kind of person to give up and hide like a coward. She always worries about her people, tries to be strong for them. She is loyal to her people. They trust her and she would never let anyone down. You remember that this is just one more reason why you love her so much. Running away would not suit her. Then she nods.

"You want my trust, Obi-Wan Kenobi?" And then she takes your hands in hers, as if she was putting her life in yours. "You have it."


End file.
